Curve Balls
7.24.2014
Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You
6.04.2014
I Survived Cancer: What Now?
4.28.2014
Eight months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I went through surgery, radiation, and finally got the "all clear" status in January. And I thought that would be the end of it. I assumed that my life would go back to how it was before. Everything was going to be normal now that the cancer had been expelled from my body.
That is something they don't prepare you for: the realization that your life is never going back to how it was before cancer. Sure, it might resemble your previous life, but cancer alters you in a way that is deep and unexplainable.
While I adopted a YOLO attitude, I have also experienced debilitating fear. The fear that the cancer might come back, stronger, more determined to kill me. The fear that the radiation treatment could cause a secondary cancer. The fear that I might not have the long, happy life that I once imagined. The fear that comes with scans and blood tests and doctor appointments. The fear that can send me into a spiraling depression with one swollen lymph node.
Most days I can brush it under the rug. I can put my fears aside and only feel the absolute gratitude of being alive. But there are other days, days like today, when the fear and hopelessness sinks in. Days when I have flashbacks of passing out on a bed pan, waking up in excruciating pain, and realize that this could all happen to me again. While there is "no evidence" of disease, it is still inside me. Still in my body just waiting to sneak back when I least expect it.
And I find myself unable to move on with my life. Unable to fully grasp what all of this means. Unable to understand how cancer has changed me: physically, emotionally, mentally. The past eight months have been an absolute roller coaster ride, to say the least. And I used to look at it like there would eventually be an ending...
But I am slowly learning, no matter how hard I fight it, cancer has become a part of me. It is essential to who I am, who I want to be. I need to stop fighting it; and I need to start embracing it.
Because you only live once.
Ollie Says
12.13.2013
"I sent an email to Santa today. But I can't tell you what I asked for...you'll have to email Santa yourself."
"I really don't like your attitude, mom."
"Um, mom. We need to do this pattern: I sleep with you, then I don't sleep with you. That is the pattern that I like. So I need to sleep with you tonight, okay?"
Why are you so cute?
"Because you got me that way."
"You are only 23 and grandma is 50. So she is in charge."
"WHAT. THE. F*CK!"
(That one caught me by surprise. First time cursing...preparing me for teenage years)
"I want to keep you with me forever, mom."
"I am a kid, so I can use whatever bathroom I want."
Why didn't you put a rug down before you got in the bath?
"Because I am not an adult."
Songs to Listen to When You're Diagnosed with Cancer
12.10.2013
Words cannot begin to describe my relationship with music. Throughout the years, it has played a key role in the person who I have become. It has shaped me, transformed me. In my moments of weakness, it has given me strength. I could not live in a world without music.
I have been wanting to bring more music related posts to Your Mom since it is such an important part of who I am. Mostly, I enjoy putting together a collection of songs with a main theme. A playlist, perhaps one might call it. I have created and posted them before on the blog.
However, this playlist has a much deeper meaning to me. It gives a glimpse of the emotions and feelings that I have had in the months since my cancer diagnosis. It is me. Raw. Told in notes and lyrics written by strangers.
But that is what I love about music.
__________________
Don't Let Them See You Cry
I have been wanting to bring more music related posts to Your Mom since it is such an important part of who I am. Mostly, I enjoy putting together a collection of songs with a main theme. A playlist, perhaps one might call it. I have created and posted them before on the blog.
However, this playlist has a much deeper meaning to me. It gives a glimpse of the emotions and feelings that I have had in the months since my cancer diagnosis. It is me. Raw. Told in notes and lyrics written by strangers.
But that is what I love about music.
__________________
Don't Let Them See You Cry
Manchester Orchestra
Timshel
Mumford & Sons
Sleeping Sickness
City and Color
Comes and Goes (In Waves)
Greg Laswell
Jesus Christ
Brand New
Everything'll Be Alright
Joshua Radin
Life is Beautiful
The Icarus Account
Remember to Breathe
Dashboard Confessional
Shoot Out the Lights