Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You

6.04.2014

I remember the first time I ever saw you, through the peep-hole of my hotel room waiting for me to let you in. I leaned against the door, smiling, so scared to open it up and disappoint you. But you walked right in, took my face in both your hands and said, "You are even more beautiful in person".
And we kissed for the very first time.
That's when I felt it. Your lips pressed against mine, your hands on my face, pulling me into you. That's when I felt something I never thought I would feel again. I guess people describe it as love or connection or sparks. But I like to think there is not a word in the English language to accurately describe what I felt in that moment between you and I. 
It was as if every single moment in my life was leading up to this. Was leading me to you. To your lips. And in an instant, it felt as if I had known you all my life. Like we had met and loved before in all our previous lifetimes. There was something so safe, so natural about being in your arms. I knew that I belonged there.
People look at me like I am crazy, like there is no possible way I could feel the way that I feel about you. Society tries to put limitations on human emotions, but I feel the way that I feel. I loved you deeply, in a way that I had never loved another human being. I know this because I had never let my walls down before. I had never allowed somebody inside my heart, they were always kept at a safe, invulnerable distance. Behind the cold, stone walls that I had built so high.
There was just something about you that I never could quite put my finger on. When other people talk about love, they always mention these vague, general statements like, "He is funny" or "He has a big heart". Things that I could easily say about you, but that was never what made me fall in love with you. The big things that people usually focus on, things that could be found in a million other guys out there, are not what drew me to you.
It was the little things. The small things that you did without even realizing that you were doing them. The things that I miss with every single fiber of my being. The way you told a story (with a beginning, a middle, and an end, because you "read a book about telling stories") or how you spouted off random facts at random times. The way you laughed and told terrible jokes that made me laugh despite their obvious terribleness. The way that you really saw me and I really saw you, like nobody else could quite get it.
You made me ache to be a better person. To not repeat the mistakes that I had in the past. I strived to be the woman who deserved you, who was good enough for you. Who was worthy of your affection and attention. I put every ounce of my heart and soul into loving you the way nobody ever had. The way that I felt you deserved to be loved. Selflessly. Wholly. Unconditionally. Faithfully
I am grasping to remember the last thing I said to you, the last moments we had feeding each other pie and watching the final episode of Friends. Holding on to them like they are all that I have left in this world. It never occurred to me that these would be the last times you held me in your arms or our lips would touch. It never occurred to me that I would have to live my life without you.
No matter how hard I try, you will forever occupy a place in my heart, a space that had been empty for so very long. You will mean more to me than words will ever be capable of describing, and I will always, always love you. And your mistakes. And your shortcomings. And I hope that one day my unrelenting, reckless love shows you what I have always known: You. Are. Extraordinary

I Survived Cancer: What Now?

4.28.2014





Eight months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I went through surgery, radiation, and finally got the "all clear" status in January. And I thought that would be the end of it. I assumed that my life would go back to how it was before. Everything was going to be normal now that the cancer had been expelled from my body.

That is something they don't prepare you for: the realization that your life is never going back to how it was before cancer. Sure, it might resemble your previous life, but cancer alters you in a way that is deep and unexplainable.

While I adopted a YOLO attitude, I have also experienced debilitating fear. The fear that the cancer might come back, stronger, more determined to kill me. The fear that the radiation treatment could cause a secondary cancer. The fear that I might not have the long, happy life that I once imagined. The fear that comes with scans and blood tests and doctor appointments. The fear that can send me into a spiraling depression with one swollen lymph node.

Most days I can brush it under the rug. I can put my fears aside and only feel the absolute gratitude of being alive. But there are other days, days like today, when the fear and hopelessness sinks in. Days when I have flashbacks of passing out on a bed pan, waking up in excruciating pain, and realize that this could all happen to me again. While there is "no evidence" of disease, it is still inside me. Still in my body just waiting to sneak back when I least expect it. 

And I find myself unable to move on with my life. Unable to fully grasp what all of this means. Unable to understand how cancer has changed me: physically, emotionally, mentally. The past eight months have been an absolute roller coaster ride, to say the least. And I used to look at it like there would eventually be an ending...

But I am slowly learning, no matter how hard I fight it, cancer has become a part of me. It is essential to who I am, who I want to be. I need to stop fighting it; and I need to start embracing it.

Because you only live once.

Ollie Says

12.13.2013



"I sent an email to Santa today. But I can't tell you what I asked for...you'll have to email Santa yourself."

"I really don't like your attitude, mom."

"Um, mom. We need to do this pattern: I sleep with you, then I don't sleep with you. That is the pattern that I like. So I need to sleep with you tonight, okay?"  

Why are you so cute?
"Because you got me that way."

"You are only 23 and grandma is 50. So she is in charge."

"WHAT. THE. F*CK!"
(That one caught me by surprise. First time cursing...preparing me for teenage years)

"I want to keep you with me forever, mom."

"I am a kid, so I can use whatever bathroom I want."

Why didn't you put a rug down before you got in the bath?
"Because I am not an adult."






Songs to Listen to When You're Diagnosed with Cancer

12.10.2013

 Words cannot begin to describe my relationship with music. Throughout the years, it has played a key role in the person who I have become. It has shaped me, transformed me. In my moments of weakness, it has given me strength. I could not live in a world without music.

I have been wanting to bring more music related posts to Your Mom since it is such an important part of who I am. Mostly, I enjoy putting together a collection of songs with a main theme. A playlist, perhaps one might call it. I have created and posted them before on the blog.

However, this playlist has a much deeper meaning to me. It gives a glimpse of the emotions and feelings that I have had in the months since my cancer diagnosis. It is me. Raw. Told in notes and lyrics written by strangers.

But that is what I love about music.
 __________________

Don't Let Them See You Cry

Manchester Orchestra




Radioactive 

Imagine Dragons


Timshel

Mumford & Sons


Sleeping Sickness

City and Color


Comes and Goes (In Waves)

Greg Laswell


Jesus Christ

Brand New


Everything'll Be Alright

Joshua Radin


Life is Beautiful

The Icarus Account


Remember to Breathe

Dashboard Confessional


Shoot Out the Lights

Ron Pope

 

 

A Particularly Hard Day

10.25.2013

Print by bearandrobotstudio
Everybody I went to school with is moving on with their lives. They are starting new relationships, falling in love, getting married, having kids, traveling, finding their dream job, exploring the world. Facebook has become a never-ending source of jealousy for me, and then I am plagued by guilt for feeling the way that I do.

Today was a particularly hard day for no particular reason. I just feel like my life is at a standstill, and it drives me crazy. I feel utterly useless. I have no job, no source of income. I am literally doing nothing with my life right now. And while I used to think that it would be amazing to just do nothing all day, every day, I have come to the conclusion that it is the bane of my existence. I rely on people for just about everything, and it puts me out of my element.

I have essentially lived on my own since my senior year of high school. My parents have helped me, but I was fairly independent at a young age. I had to be for my son. Over the past few years especially, I have learned to rely simply on myself. 

That has been the hardest part of getting cancer so far. I feel like everything is out of my control. I feel like my entire life has been temporarily hijacked by stupid cells in my body that are trying to kill me. I know one day I will regain control, but it becomes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

When will that day come? 

When will I feel normal again?