Now I do. Now I realize what it feels like to have your stomach sink and your heart break at the mere thought of the person you love with somebody else. Now I most certainly understand how I made you feel all those years with my indecision. It makes me feel like a monster to look back at what I did to you, knowing now how you must have felt. Honestly, that breaks my heart more than anything. The realization of how badly I have hurt you.
And I never meant to. It seems impossible to believe that, considering my constant disregard for your feelings. But at the time, I was being selfish. I was thinking about me. Only me. And I never even considered how I was making you feel. There isn't a day that passes that I don't feel a pang of pain for my actions towards you.
I was so caught up in finding myself and finding the love of my life, that I never even considered that he was there the entire time. Honestly, I was scared, too. I was running away from anything that seemed real. And that's what we had. Something real. Something with actual substance. Something that could eventually lead to a life together and a family. And that scared me.
I was only eighteen when we met and just had a baby with somebody else. Describing myself as a "mess" would be an understatement. I didn't know who I was or what I was looking for. I didn't really know anything. I was not ready for you. It drives me absolutely crazy thinking that if you had come into my life a couple years later, things could have been different. Maybe I would have had my shit together and everything could have worked out.
Some days that is all I do. Sit around and think how things might have been. Think of all the things that I wish I had done differently. Like maybe if I wish hard enough, I can go back in time and undo it all. Take back all my bad decisions and actually try. God, what I wouldn't do to have a chance to go back and make things right.
I can't help but think this is what I deserve. To spend eternity with a broken heart, unable to get past it all. Because I made those choices. I constantly hurt you and treated you entirely less than you deserved to be treated. I keep telling myself that it will get better in time, but it never does. I still find myself crying in the car when "Someone Like You" comes on; I still find myself dreaming about you every night in my sleep.
Words will never begin to describe how thankful I am for having you in my life. You were, without a doubt, the most amazing man that I have ever met. You have been the only person that I could ever depend on, no matter the circumstances. In my entire life, you are the only person I have opened up to completely and let in. You know everything about me. Every flaw and mistake. Everything I'm ashamed of. And you still loved me in a way that I never even knew I deserved.
I loved you. I still love you. I know that I had a terrible way of showing it for the longest time. But there is not a doubt in my mind I was going to marry you one day. I always assumed that. We goofed around about it, but I truly thought that I would marry you on July 13, 2013. Whether we broke up or stayed together. I never imagined you having a family besides Oliver and I.
As sad as your engagement makes me, as hurt as I feel, I am so unbelievably happy for you. I always wanted you to find somebody who could love you in a way that I never knew how to. I always knew that you deserved better than me. And I knew that you would never have a problem finding that person.
I hope that you have a long and happy marriage. I sincerely hope that you get anything and everything that you want from life. I hope that you think about Oliver and I from time to time and smile, because we will always be thinking about you. I hope that one day you can forgive me for being such an awful person, and then maybe I will be able to forgive myself.
Often, I find myself thinking that if I start my life and get all my ducks in a row, you will change your mind. It motivates me to do well in my classes, to focus on getting my life together. I think if I get done with school, find a good paying job, and buy a house...you'll find a way to come back to me. In five years. Ten years. Twenty years. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm willing to wait for you. I am willing to wait like you did, and let you try to find your own path to happiness. I will just be here, hoping and praying that one day you will come to the conclusion that it has always been you and me. And it always will be.
Because I love you.
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