Cheated hearts.

There was a time when I believed everything people said to me. An innocence that is surely taken away from us all when we discover that people frequently say anything to satisfy their own selfish needs.

Now that I am older, I know better. Most of the time. I realize that people lie, but I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that people are genuinely good and kind and deserving of my affection, especially when I have deep feelings for them. Then a day like today happens and knocks me completely off my horse. Figuratively, of course.

I've been "talking" to a guy for almost two years, on and off. He was honestly my best friend. He was there for me, to comfort me and tell me it was going to be okay. Over the years, he has supported me, believed in me, made me feel loved at my lowest moments. I'm not exactly sure there was romance, per se, but I had extremely strong feelings for him and the person that I thought he was. I knew that one day, I wanted to marry a guy like that. With a strong sense of family and passion for life.

I was in love with the idea of him, the idea that I could have a sexy, sensual husband and family one day. Because honestly, I had never even thought about it until him. I never thought that I would be able to get a guy like that. So good looking and with the same goals in life, who dreamed of being a soccer coach and driving kids around in a mini van.

This facade of reality prevented me from seeing who he truly was and what I was allowing him to do to me, again and again. I am not even sure he meant a single thing that he has ever said to me. It really breaks a person to question the integrity of an entire relationship, whether it is romantic or not. Some days, he was the only person I had to keep me sane. He was the only person I could talk to about my problems. He was all that I had.

And it is killing me to walk away from that. It will be so incredibly hard not to go back on my promise to stop all contact with him...forever. To never talk to him ever again.

What drives me crazy is that in the end, I always get made out to be the bad guy. The one who is "starting drama" or being unreasonable. I hate how unfair this is. Why do girls do that to each other? We blame one other and let guys get away with cheating all the time. I'm guilty of it! But seriously, unless a girl is going out of her way to seduce your boyfriend, she is not at fault for his actions.

As weird as it sounds, I am extremely grateful that this entire situation has happened to me and turned out the way it did. I have learned so much, maybe the hard way, but it is better than not at all. I have realized flaws within myself that need to be fixed and decided to grow a back bone somewhere along the way. I fully believe that if a guy cheats on you once, he will do it again, and he will most likely continue to do it to every other girl along the way. You cannot change this. You cannot fix him. And it is most certainly not your job.

I lost my best friend today, but I found my self-respect.

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