A drop in the ocean.

Too often I start a blog post and then delete it. I am worried what people may think. I am worried that I will be repeating myself about things that don't matter to anybody but me. But I have come to the realization that I need to stop doing that. I need to stop worrying about anybody who may be judgmental or criticizing. Essentially, I always wanted my blog to remain true to who I am in all aspects of life, and it is time that I start doing just that.

I have been having dreams about Dustin lately, and they seem to debilitate me. It is like when I start to move past everything, my subconscious sends me spiraling backwards. I miss him. I literally feel like a part of me is missing. And as totally corny and impossible as it seems, my heart aches. My friends think I am crazy. It has almost been two years, shouldn't I be over this by now?

I'm not. Not even close.

And maybe it is because I know that I was wrong. I know, deep down, that my suffering is my own fault. Regret. I regret my choices, and I regret having regrets. I just never expected my life to go the way that it did. I didn't plan on becoming a mother so young and at eighteen, I just wasn't ready to settle down. I was so sure I was missing out on something so amazing, and I just had to find it.

I was young.
I was stupid.
And everything I wanted was right in front of me the entire time.

Isn't that how the story always goes? You don't know what you have until it's gone? I just want to accept the fact that he is gone and move on with my life. Most likely alone, but without the crazy hope that we will end up together. Because despite all the years and the distance, I still believe that I met my soul mate on 08.08.08. and that no amount of time nor space can change that. I still think that he will find a way back to me, somehow. With my entire heart and soul, I believe that.

But this is not The Notebook.
This is not a love story.
This is not a fairy tale.
I just can't seem to convince my heart otherwise.

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