Holding out for a hero.

Next week, my maternal grandparents will celebrate their 70th anniversary. It is truly an inspiration to see two people so dedicated to each other and their family. I am blessed to have witnessed such love and devotion between two people. My grandparents obviously married at a young age. She was seventeen, and he was twenty. Their love story is quite epic and makes a person believe in true love. 

As their anniversary approaches, it has me reevaluating my life and priorities. Thinking about their marriage and love makes me realize just how badly I want that. I want to be with somebody for the rest of my life. This is quite the jump from my last blog about marriage, where I specifically stated that I was not ready. 

I guess my change of heart came from realizing that everybody else is moving on with their lives. Everybody is changing and growing, and I really just feel like I have been stuck in the same place for two years. Everybody is falling in love, getting married, and having babies. And even though I did the last one over four years ago, I feel like I am missing out on something

I want a family of my own. I have constantly struggled with the discomfort of wanting a family. As a single mother, I cannot help but yearn for somebody to share my life with. Somebody to be by my side as we raise our children. But because I had a baby so young this wanting was often confusing. I was only eighteen, and as much as I wanted a family, I wanted to find myself. I wanted to discover who I was, and I wanted to discover the world. 

So when I had the chance to have a family, I ran away. I ran as far away as I could, and I pushed away anybody who loved me. I wasn't ready. For the past two years, I have been alone and punishing myself for being scared. For throwing away the family I now so desperately want.

But I have gotten older...and wiser. I am not the young girl I once was, searching for my place in the world. I know who I am and what I stand for, and slowly, I am forgiving myself for the things I have done. I am coming to peace with my mistakes and my shortcomings. I am realizing that I am ready to fall in love again. I am ready for the butterflies and the bickering. I am ready for it all. I am ready to spend seventy years with the man I love, through sickness and health, the good and the bad. I am ready to move on from the past.

Because I can't punish myself forever.
And I can't wait for you forever.

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