Throwback: Destination Anywhere

12.06.2012

I have decided to do a "series" of throwback blogs on Thursdays, in which I post things I have previously written on different sites. Throughout my entire pregnancy and teenage motherhood, I have kept various records of my thoughts and emotions. Whether on Facebook, Myspace, or previous blogs, I figure the words I wrote are still powerful and important, and I wanted to share them with everybody.

This is a blog I wrote on January 26, 2008, when I was about 4-5 months along in my pregnancy. I was a senior in high school really struggling with accepting my pregnancy and being just another statistic. This entry is brutally honest and open, but it definitely describes how I was feeling at that moment in my life.



I am the reason you have a curfew. The reason that your parents call too often. The reason they have to know everything about everything. I am the reason your father hates your boyfriend. The reason adults promote abstinence. I am nothing but a statistic. The girl who got pregnant in high school. Parents are thankful that I'm not their daughter. Teenage boys are glad that I'm not their "baby momma". Even my friends are glad that they aren't me.

Knocked up.

I constantly joke about my pregnancy. It is the only thing that seems to get me through the day. because sitting down and actually realizing that I am going to be a mother scares the crap out of me. Realizing how hard the rest of my life is going to be...I don't know a sane person who wouldn't be freaking out right about now. And that is where I'm at.

And still knocked up.

It is so easy for people to judge me. And the decisions that I make. I am seventeen, and people expect me to know everything. Everybody wants me to do what they want me to. "Stay home and go to community college. You can't handle leaving." Thanks for the faith. It is sad, because my teachers, you know, the people who know what I can handle educationally, fully believe that I could handle a four-year university and a baby.

Then you have the father of my child already fighting for custody. I mean, shoot. The little guy is nothing but a fetus. Inside me. So, right now he spends 100% of the time with me. Making me sick. And fat. And uncomfortable. But of course, as soon as I pop him out of my vagina (which will never be the same again) we should have 50/50 custody. Maybe I am unreasonable. But, last time I checked, I have the breasts. And the means of feeding the child. So therefore, I think he needs to be with me more than 50% of the time.

And of course, I should revolve my plans around the "babies daddy". You know, go to a college closer to him. Get back together with him. One big happy family, instead of a happy Emily. Yeah, I think I should definitely sacrifice my happiness so that my son can grow up in a fighting household with parents who don't love each other and just stayed together because he was born. Sounds like a plan!

I'm bitter...in case you couldn't tell.

2 Responses to “Throwback: Destination Anywhere”

  1. I was a freshman in college and had many of the same feelings. Thank you for the honesty, it's encouraging to know I wasn't alone!

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    1. I was quite honest about my feelings during my pregnancy! I think it is terrible that we make young women feel like they cannot have negative feelings about a pregnancy in the beginning or just be confused or lost! Not everybody has the same reactions, and everybody needs to take their own journey :) I am so glad you could relate to this! And no, you are definitely not alone. Thank you for your comment!

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