Throwback: Untitled


I have decided to do a "series" of throwback blogs on Thursdays, in which I post things I have previously written on different sites. Throughout my entire teenage years, including pregnancy and motherhood, I have kept various records of my thoughts and emotions. Whether on Facebook, Myspace, or previous blogs, I figure the words I wrote are still powerful and important, and I wanted to share them with everybody. 

This is an extremely old blog I wrote on May 1, 2006, at the conclusion of my freshman year of high school. Nearly seven years ago. Upon rereading all my old Xanga blogs from high school, I really thought I should start sharing some of them on this blog. It is really weird to remember my teenage years, but I definitely love how real I was, especially in this entry. My freshman year was particularly hard, and this post made me remember how thankful I am that I made it through those tough times. So, I guess this is my version of "it gets better".

(Please ignore the lack of capitalization and the grammatical errors. I was only fifteen!)

sitting here on the phone with mister alex. my amazing boy toy. haha. i cannot believe we have been dating for like eight wonderful yet emotional months.

its still kinda crazy how things change and how they end up. all the shit we have gone through to get us where we are today. what kind of people have we all become?? are we better than we once were? our innocence now lost, or faded. it seems we grew up over night. we grew together and apart all at the same time. its just ... crazy.

i think about the person i have become. and i am truly proud of myself. i really don`t lie to my parents anymore. i don`t have to worry all the time that they will find out that i snuck up to st. joe to see alex, or that people were smoking in my car, or that i was somewhere i wasn't supposed to be doing things i wasn't supposed to be doing. it is such a relief. seriously. takes away A LOT of stress from me.

i have learned to control myself emotionally .. the best i can .. and found friends just as crazy as i am. who don`t WANT to go out and party all the time. friends who would rather go to the movies, or go skating, or just hang out .. talk.

i don`t mean to judge because i really have no room to talk. i know how it is, i know i am not perfect. but god, maybe if people sat down and thought about shit they would wake up from this alter world they have crawled into. i sit here and think of people. ( NO i do NOT mean one certain person. in fact .. i am thinking about MANY .. more than could be counted on my fingers and toes.) i think of how they live their lives and wonder .. do they want to make anything of their lives. do they want to make a difference.

we are ALIVE. we have a chance to make all the difference in the world. yet so many of us don`t. we are so selfish that we can`t see beyond our own wants, our own needs.

if you died tomorrow how would you want to be remembered? the nice girl who was always there for you when you needed her? the cold hearted bitch who never gave a fuck? the skank who would rather hook up with guys than date them? the quiet girl whom everybody secretly thought was gonna bring a gun to school and blow everybodys brains out? the selfish girl who walked all over everybody? the girl who just wanted to fit in .. at all costs?

why are we so wrapped up in this 'high school life'? it is nothing like the real world. its not the best years of your life. its something that we all must go through bc its the only cruel and unusual punishment that our government can get away with. fuckers. but why do we WASTE it away? i mean seriously. yeah, you may be having a good time blah blah blah. but do you think its just gonna be like that for the rest of your life? the habits you make in high school .. do you really think you can just QUIT them once you get out? it doesn't quite work like that.

and AFTER high school .. who would have even thought that there was life outside of high school. newsflash THERE IS. you have to make money. you have to survive. you will want to have relationships and blah blah blah. idk.

all last year i felt alone. i felt so helpless, hopeless. i never thought i would make it through freshman year. it was so .. hard. you may think i am being a drama queen but .. seriously. i did not think i would come out of 9th grade alive. in fact, half of the time i didn't WANT to.

i remember this hillary duff song that i had on my very first xanga. it helped me get through a lot of shit. so i downloaded it from limewire the other day ... it is an amazing song.

i found myself today

oh, i found myself and ran away.
but something pulled me back.
a voice of reason i forgot i had.
all i know is your not here to say
what you always used to say
but its written in the sky, tonight
sooner than it seems life turns around
and i will be strong even if it all goes wrong.
when i`m standing in the dark, i still believe
some one's watching over me.
so i won't give up, no i won't break down

but i DID make it out of my freshmen year .. in one piece. a few small bruises and a couple scars but otherwise .. i made it. and that is all that matters. truly. me knowing myself and what i am capable of makes me feel so much better about myself and the person i have become. i mean, life hasn't treated me so well. and i went through more shit by the time i was 12 then a person should in a lifetime. i thought at first that that had made me weak. because a person can only take so much pain. but it is true, what doesn't kill you .. only makes you stronger.

and it does.

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