I Am Kinda Pessimistic About Cancer, Guys

It will get better.

I hate when people use that encouragement, like they are staring into a crystal ball and just know what your future holds. Not to be pessimistic or anything, but I think it is a load of crap.

Other examples include:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

God only gives you what you can handle.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I wish I could be the optimistic, hopeful person that I once was. Before I stepped into the world and realized that life doesn't always go the way that you plan. In fact, life usually tries to mess up your plans. Constantly. Like a never-ending cock blocker.

Most of the sadness and depression has worn off, and I am only left with anger. I am so angry at the world. I know that I sound like a terrible person. Like I am constantly complaining and being pretty negative about everything. But am I supposed to be happy about having cancer?

I refuse. I refuse to even be okay with having cancer at twenty three years old. I find that unacceptable. I refuse to pretend like it is fine with me. It is not fine by me. I think all of this is nonsense. It is bullshit. And I honestly do not think there should ever come a time when I am "okay" with it.

Yes, I will get through this.

Yes, I will become a stronger person.

Yes, I will learn important lessons.

But at no point will I look at having cancer as a good thing. As a positive experience. I will joke and make light of the whole thing, but at the end of the day I hate cancer. I hate that it is inside of my body. Sometimes I just stand in the shower feeling...dirty. Like if I stay in there long enough, the water will wash away the cancer.

I am just really, really angry at this point. I had just spent five long years struggling through college and finally graduated. I felt like I was on the verge of starting my life, a life that would mean something. I thought that I was going to do things and become this amazing version of myself. I assumed I would be finding a great job and enjoying the new territory of having a school-aged son. I wanted life to go my way. Just this once. I just wanted things to just finally be okay rather than the constant struggle they had been for the past twenty years.

Instead, I got cancer. Lucky me.

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  1. Hi, I found your blog via Top Baby Blogs and just wanted to say I'm angry for you, too. My best friend's father was just diagnosed with cancer, after two years of symptoms. It's too late for surgery, though. And a good friend of mine is dealing with a disease caused by his cancer treatment, as if going through the first treatment wasn't enough! This is his blog: http://protoguy.blogspot.com/ I'm sure he'd be happy to talk to you, especially since you're just starting out on such an awful journey.
    I hope your treatment is effective and eradicates the cancer entirely.