I Won the Jackpot

9.04.2013


1:12pm.

The caller-id showed the call was from an unknown number. That is probably my doctor with the results, I thought to myself. I had been anxiously waiting for the call after getting a biopsy two days prior. My doctor had assured me that there was no reason to believe it was cancer, but I found myself worrying as I answered the phone.

It was my doctor with the results. He made small talk and asked how I was feeling. Fine, I told him. That is when he told me, Unfortunately they found cancer in your thyroid.

Cancer.

I lost it, right there on the phone. My mom noticed something was wrong, and I mouthed the word to her. Cancer. She took the phone and talked to the doctor as I sat there crying.

At 23 years old, I have cancer. It seems utterly unbelievable. I keep waking up thinking that maybe it was all a dream, and it is devastating to realize that this is my life. This is my reality.

It is hard to explain how one feels after finding out they have cancer. For me, it was heartbreaking. It was difficult. I was incredibly sad and depressed. I cried constantly the first few days. I still cry at random times.

I keep asking myself why, asking God why.
Why me?
Why did I get cancer?
What did I do to deserve this?

And then comes the anger. I am so angry that this is happening to me. I am pissed that I have to go through this. It does not seem fair, and sometimes it makes me just want to punch the wall. Over and over again.

My doctor told me that I won the jackpot when it comes to cancer. Thyroid cancer is very curable and thought of as "the best cancer". While I am thankful for this, I still hate it. I still hate cancer with every fiber of my being. I am still scared, and sad, and angry. I am still a mess, and I would have much rather won some other kind of jackpot. I would have much rather not have cancer.

So this is it. This is my life. I have cancer, and I am slowly learning to deal with it.

Post a Comment