Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You

6.04.2014

I remember the first time I ever saw you, through the peep-hole of my hotel room waiting for me to let you in. I leaned against the door, smiling, so scared to open it up and disappoint you. But you walked right in, took my face in both your hands and said, "You are even more beautiful in person".
And we kissed for the very first time.
That's when I felt it. Your lips pressed against mine, your hands on my face, pulling me into you. That's when I felt something I never thought I would feel again. I guess people describe it as love or connection or sparks. But I like to think there is not a word in the English language to accurately describe what I felt in that moment between you and I. 
It was as if every single moment in my life was leading up to this. Was leading me to you. To your lips. And in an instant, it felt as if I had known you all my life. Like we had met and loved before in all our previous lifetimes. There was something so safe, so natural about being in your arms. I knew that I belonged there.
People look at me like I am crazy, like there is no possible way I could feel the way that I feel about you. Society tries to put limitations on human emotions, but I feel the way that I feel. I loved you deeply, in a way that I had never loved another human being. I know this because I had never let my walls down before. I had never allowed somebody inside my heart, they were always kept at a safe, invulnerable distance. Behind the cold, stone walls that I had built so high.
There was just something about you that I never could quite put my finger on. When other people talk about love, they always mention these vague, general statements like, "He is funny" or "He has a big heart". Things that I could easily say about you, but that was never what made me fall in love with you. The big things that people usually focus on, things that could be found in a million other guys out there, are not what drew me to you.
It was the little things. The small things that you did without even realizing that you were doing them. The things that I miss with every single fiber of my being. The way you told a story (with a beginning, a middle, and an end, because you "read a book about telling stories") or how you spouted off random facts at random times. The way you laughed and told terrible jokes that made me laugh despite their obvious terribleness. The way that you really saw me and I really saw you, like nobody else could quite get it.
You made me ache to be a better person. To not repeat the mistakes that I had in the past. I strived to be the woman who deserved you, who was good enough for you. Who was worthy of your affection and attention. I put every ounce of my heart and soul into loving you the way nobody ever had. The way that I felt you deserved to be loved. Selflessly. Wholly. Unconditionally. Faithfully
I am grasping to remember the last thing I said to you, the last moments we had feeding each other pie and watching the final episode of Friends. Holding on to them like they are all that I have left in this world. It never occurred to me that these would be the last times you held me in your arms or our lips would touch. It never occurred to me that I would have to live my life without you.
No matter how hard I try, you will forever occupy a place in my heart, a space that had been empty for so very long. You will mean more to me than words will ever be capable of describing, and I will always, always love you. And your mistakes. And your shortcomings. And I hope that one day my unrelenting, reckless love shows you what I have always known: You. Are. Extraordinary

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